Since our 1 year anniversary of meeting Tyrell in April, I keep thinking about where we were on this date a year ago. If you're sick of hearing my restrospective, go ahead and quit reading. But if you've somehow missed my soliloquizing on the matter, by all means, read on.
My birthday last year was terrible. By far my worst birthday ever. Really, my only bad birthday, but who wants a terrible birthday? Maybe it was that it was the first day of school, maybe it was that I was 11 or so weeks pregnant and sick and exhausted, maybe it was that Tyrell was still "new" to our family and therefore everyday was an uphill battle....take your pick. But it was terrible.
I wouldn't go back to those days for all of the money in the world, Even if you offered to magically double the size of my house, pay it off, and provide a live in maid. Wouldn't do it.
Fortunately or unfortunately, I can't rehash all of the events and emotions of the past year. It's just too personal, and maybe too fresh. The entire year wasn't bad. We had some fun times...halloween when Tyrell was Darth Vader and asked me if we could carve a Darth Vader jack-o-lantern (turns out we could! Who knew?), Tyrell's baptism, Tyrell's adoption, Christmas was magical, Tyrell's first trip to Disney World was also magical, and then there's the day Eli was born. These were all great things. But sprinkled between these joyous ocassions was my traumatized son who tried to run away from me at church and I ended up holding him in my lap to restrain him from himself until I could take him by the arm and get him safely in the car (where I put on my sunglasses and Ty in the backseat and cried silently to myself while I drove around town deciding what to do or say next). That is just the tip of the iceberg and these type of events occured nearly every day for months. And in the middle of all that I was having a terrible pregnancy and fighting with caseworkers just to get to adopt this boy that I could not control. I am so glad it's over.
In addition to all of the chaos that was Tyrell, I wondered for 9 months how I could possibly meet Tyrell's needs and care for a newborn (who was definitely not going away). It's not that I didn't want Eli, I just hadn't planned on him, and I couldn't see how he fit into the equation that our family had become. What would Tyrell do when the baby was born? How would Tyrell feel having a sibling who was biological to his parents? Would I ever be able to leave Eli and Ty alone in a room without fear that Ty would inadvertently hurt him? And where the heck were we going to put this baby, anyway?
Then Eli was born, and quite frankly, that only made everything worse. Because Tyrell had been improving so much through January and February and his freakouts were becoming much less severe and much fewer. Of course when Eli was born Ty completely freaked out. And then I completely freaked out...for about two weeks...and then at least four times a week after that for about three months. And the government seized online poker sites, virtually unemploying Jerry when Eli was three weeks old. Not exactly the time to lose your job.
As things felt like they were getting worse and worse I kept wondering what exactly it was that God was preparing me for, that I had to go through these difficult times (that seemed to be never ending). And whatever it was, I didn't want any part of it. Please don't argue with my theology, that's just where I was spiritually at the time.
Perhaps the worse part was the helplessness and fear that often comes with parenting a "hurt child". Tyrell was doing the best he could. And we were doing the best we could, but there was still a giant chasm between us with no real blueprints for bridging it. It didn't help that I developed a COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL fear that Jerry was going to leave me with this child and one on the way. He never did or said anything that would make one think that, and he is an incredible husband who loves me unconditionally. But fear is fear, rational or not.
I am so glad it's over. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that life is pure joy these days. Well, joy and exhaustion. ;)
I have everything I could ever want in this life- a wonderful husband, two beautiful boys, and I get to devote myself to motherhood. I told Jerry he's off the hook for gift-giving occasions for at least a year, maybe forever. But of course he got me a birthday present anyway- a family photo session with a photographer. How perfect is that?
Life is good. Thank you, Jesus, for your mercy.
ADDENDUM 5/23/2012: I had no idea what was coming! Eli has been sick on and off (mostly on) since September! And it has not been a walk in the park with Ty. At all. But we're still here, doing our best to love God and each other a little more each day!
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