Shortly before we left for NC, Eli was gifted a nook tablet. I had no idea what a saving grace it would be. He always wanted new sports games on it. Everyday. We watched the Cubs games on it. We played music on it. We watched silly videos on it. When Eli was in PICU and not sedated we would hold it for him and he would play games that just involved tapping the screen. He was so weak it was all he could do. His tablet was always hiding in the hospital bed somewhere.
After Eli died I threw the tablet in a shoulder bag. That particular bag has been sitting in the corner of my room ever since we got home. I've been avoiding it for nearly 14 months now.
When I heard this summer that J.K. Rowling was coming out with three new books in September, ebook format only, I knew I would need to get out the nook. Look at it. Touch it. It's taken me months, and all day today, but I dug it out and plugged it in. I turned it on and there were all of Eli's little games. I could almost hear his little voice, asking for the football kicker game.
This is the part of grief that threatens to take you under. The big stuff is hard too, things like holidays, but there is plenty of warning and prep and strategies. The little stuff- turning on this tablet for the first time, and all the memories flooding back at once- that's the stuff you have to face that hurts the most.
I'm going to survive it. I'm going to figure out how to download some ebooks tonight. I'm going to let J.K. Rowling's words and the wizarding world comfort some small part of my soul.
It just hurts. And I just miss you, baby.
