Today's God Moment (9/28/2011)

(Originally written 11/9/2011)

I had an epiphany from God today.

You can think I am drawing conclusions and connecting imaginary dots if you like, it's okay with me. You'd be wrong, but you can think that. You can also think I'm crazy. At this point, I am, but I'm clear on this. 

Here's the thing. Eli is below the weight chart. He's been below the weight chart. I attempt to feed him ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT. It is so. much. work. The real problem with all this feeding is it messes with my head. I'm constantly counting his calories and estimating ounces of formula and trying to figure out if he's had enough and how I can get more in him, etc. etc. I've developed quite an obsession/fear of sorts about his feedings. 

EVERY SINGLE DAY a random stranger says some version of, "He looks so healthy." All I can think is Have you SEEN a baby recently? I know he's pretty, but there is a striking lack of rolls. I literally cannot find pants that are long enough for his legs, yet small enough around the waist to actually come in contact with his middle. He's had 5 tests in the last 5 months at the children's hospital. They all come out fine, but he won't eat, his sleeping sucks, he is not healthy, he's too skinny, he's below the weight chart, I WANT ROLLS ON MY BABY!

I'm not crazy enough to say any of this. Most of the time. 

And then I was driving home today. Eli was in his car seat, awake as usual. I was thinking about how God uses people to do His work. And then I thought about the interaction I had this morning with a woman and how frustrated I was that no one seemed to understand what I was going through with Eli.  

And then it hit me. All of these people who keep telling me that Eli is healthy is GOD TELLING ME Eli is healthy. He's using all these people day after day to get His point across to me. Eli is okay. I might not like his "stats", and it might be inconvenient and even a bit stressful to try to feed him 7, 8 times a day, but Eli is the tiny little person that God created him to be. The sky isn't falling and Eli isn't dying. He's growing. He has had 5 tests in 5 months and what have they all shown? That he is "normal".

I can keep obsessing and living in fear that tomorrow he will stop eating altogether, OR I can do my best to feed him and love him, and enjoy him, because he won't let me cuddle him forever. 

We didn't name him Elijah for nothing. "The Lord is my God." Yes, indeed.