Monday, July 23, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Dear Cable Man, I Love You
This move did not go the way I planned. I planned to have at least a week of overlap of time where we had access to 2 houses (old and new) and could move over a couple of days. Hahaha. Part of me is glad that we had to get completely out of the old house before finding the new house. Because it's slightly less obnoxious to focus on moving out before you go into move in mode. Those last 2-3 trips you plan on in a local move always turn into endless last trips and you feel like you'll never be fully moved out. I was spared that mess this time around.
That said, I don't recommend needing temporary housing, especially if you have no idea how long "temporary" will be. I'm so glad our temporary was only 3 weeks. Truly, living with the inlaws went as well or better than I had hoped. They were incredibly gracious about messes and noise and a giant dog, etc. They watched one or both kids while I took one or none to appointments or the grocery store. But the fact is we were living in someone else's space, feeling like we (or me) were imposing, sleeping on a different and smaller bed, trying not to be in the way. I'm so thankful we had somewhere to go.
But I'm so glad we have our own space now. I'm finding all my creature comforts to be even more comfortable and comforting. My bed is so nice. My pictures are so pretty. I feel incredibly shallow. And comfortable.
Today the cable man came. He ended up having to dig a trench and bury a line to the house. Such commitment to cable TV! Or maybe he was just doing his job...either way he made me giddy. Guess what he gave us? A new remote for each cable box- all the buttons work AND there are battery covers on the backs! They are so beautiful!
Now I can watch Project Runway (starts tonight!) and catch up on all the gypsy shows (have you seen these programs? Can't. Stop. Watching!) and order movies at the touch of a button. It's almost too much, it feels like Christmas.
Okay, my DVR has gotten a 20 minute start on Project Runway. I need to go watch some fierce, commercial-free, fashion competition now!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
On advocating for your child
One of the questions that plagues me as a mom is how can I better advocate for my child? Specifically, my adopted child?
My experience thus far tells me that people generally get that babies have a lot of needs, they have routines, they get overwhelmed, etc. People can generally respect the fact that sometimes being the best parent for your baby means you have to go home early or you can't join in the fun event they have planned at all.A lot of the time Sometimes being a parent = no fun for you.
So advocating for my little guy tends to be a bit easier.
Then there's my big guy.Sometimes A lot of the time I'm just not sure how to best advocate for him. I know his most complete possible history, what his triggers are, often why he reacts to behaviors a certain way, and sometimes even what is bubbling under the surface when he wants you to think everything is fine. But not everyone else knows all that, so not everyone knows the best way(s) to interact with him, so often people will say or do things that that mean nothing to rest of the world, but to Ty are earth-shattering. And I'm stuck. Because I want to respect Ty's privacy. His story and his experiences are his to share, but without that explanation people would not get the magnitude of the effect of their behavior on him.
Okay, let's just consider a completely made up scenario:
A child spent several years in foster care after losing his biological family to drugs. In the child's biological family violence was prevalent. When the child went to foster care, it was not the kind of foster home you would wish for a child. It was the kind where the foster parent hurt the children in ways that wouldn't leave physical marks. Verbal abuse abounded with name-calling, such as "worthless" and "stupid", and the foster parent did things like pinch the kids' ears and flick them, so as not to leave evidence of anything for the rare DCF worker that dropped by. At some point the child was adopted into a forever family and then had to begin the arduous task of learning to be a part of a family. The child was so scarred by all the violence and had such reactions to daily tasks and interactions that he was diagnosed with PTSD- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and one of his triggers was the word, "hit". It gave him flashbacks to being physically beaten by his biological family and of his foster parent hurting him. He ran for cover and cowered under his bed whenever he heard the word "hit". Sometimes instead of hiding, hearing his trigger word made him fight back- screaming, hitting, biting, etc. Now, hit is a fairly common word and it is not used to specifically to refer to a beating. It comes up in conversation more often than you think. And the child has very strong reactions, almost every time.
So what should the adoptive mama do? Should she call people before every get-together and request they drop the word "hit" from their vocabulary? Should she send a mass email to everyone that may ever come in contact with her child? If she does either one of those, how much information should she include about her child's history and the PTSD and the beatings, etc.? What about when triggers change? Because this kid is pretty incredible and is responding well to therapy, but sometimes new stuff pops up. So should mama forwarn everyone when new stuff pops up? Is that respectful of her child as a person? Would anyone even want to hang out with her or her kid if she was doing all of the that?
Also, there's the whole issue of other people understanding the severity without having any experience with children like the one described above. Children who have grown up without anyone caring about them develop differently than children who are nurtured. Their brain chemistry is changed due to their environment and so their brains work differently than expected. (And even if you are "used" to this as an adoptive family, you never really get used to a completely different thought process, because you always fall back on your own way of thinking and then have to remind yourself to go back to where in the interaction you lost your lovey and build a bridge together. It makes my brain tired a lot.)
We've been on vacation with extended family for several days. It's been great, but it's been hard. Because even though many of their behaviors/actions/word choices/decisions are completely natural for them and many people across America, they are things that are hard for my little man. They are things that a year ago would have caused a violent outburst. All these relatives really care about Ty. They don't mean to cause him hardship. But we haven't told them everything (I'm not entirely sure what we've told them, or when, and that matters because things change), partly because I want to respect my son and his deepest, darkest secrets, and partly because I'm not entirely sure how to go about telling people that some of their most common behaviors are triggers for my son. AND our belief in parenting Ty is that (in a safe environment) he needs to be exposed to normal things that typically upset him so that he can learn that said behavior is normal, not harmful, and to be tolerated. He's going to have to face these things as an adult and he needs to be prepared. But I don't know to what extent others are going to engage in any of these behaviors/actions/decisions/languages, so do I tell them at some point that enough is enough? Do I warn Ty ahead of time that these things might go on and he needs to prepare himself? I don't want him to make a decision to dislike someone before he even meets them.
It's messy and confusing and unpredictable and at the end of the day he feels discombobulated and I get to clean it all up.
We teach Ty that he can only control himself, he can't control the decisions others make. So where does that leave me on advocating for him? I can't control the decisions others make. If they knew more would they make different choices? How much should I share?
I'm so proud of Ty for all of the progress he has made. I know no other kids of any age that work even half as hard on themselves as Ty does. I know MAYBE 1 adult that can compare to Ty on working on his inner self. And that one adult is the most focused person I have ever met in my life. It's unreal to me how we keep asking our son to improve in specific areas and then he does (with support, but still!). He's the most amazing person I have ever met and the worst part of it is that he doesn't want you to know his real self. He tries to hide it. If I look back to where we were a year ago, two years ago, I feel like RickyBobby, thanking baby Jesus in his shining diapers that we're not there anymore. (It's a prayer of desperation. thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou that we are not there anymore. pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't make us go back there. I will do anything. ANYTHING!)
I don't know how to be a better advocate for my son. I don't think I'm doing a particularly stellar job. Being Ty's mom has changed me. People who really know him or know kids like him do the best with him. I think because they're not just treading lightly so as not to cause a disturbance, they are really changed, too. But if you don't know him or any kids like him chances are you haven't been changed. And I don't know how to help you if you're still the same person you were before you met my son. But I want you to have the chance to know him. He's special. His mama says so.
My experience thus far tells me that people generally get that babies have a lot of needs, they have routines, they get overwhelmed, etc. People can generally respect the fact that sometimes being the best parent for your baby means you have to go home early or you can't join in the fun event they have planned at all.
So advocating for my little guy tends to be a bit easier.
Then there's my big guy.
Okay, let's just consider a completely made up scenario:
A child spent several years in foster care after losing his biological family to drugs. In the child's biological family violence was prevalent. When the child went to foster care, it was not the kind of foster home you would wish for a child. It was the kind where the foster parent hurt the children in ways that wouldn't leave physical marks. Verbal abuse abounded with name-calling, such as "worthless" and "stupid", and the foster parent did things like pinch the kids' ears and flick them, so as not to leave evidence of anything for the rare DCF worker that dropped by. At some point the child was adopted into a forever family and then had to begin the arduous task of learning to be a part of a family. The child was so scarred by all the violence and had such reactions to daily tasks and interactions that he was diagnosed with PTSD- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and one of his triggers was the word, "hit". It gave him flashbacks to being physically beaten by his biological family and of his foster parent hurting him. He ran for cover and cowered under his bed whenever he heard the word "hit". Sometimes instead of hiding, hearing his trigger word made him fight back- screaming, hitting, biting, etc. Now, hit is a fairly common word and it is not used to specifically to refer to a beating. It comes up in conversation more often than you think. And the child has very strong reactions, almost every time.
So what should the adoptive mama do? Should she call people before every get-together and request they drop the word "hit" from their vocabulary? Should she send a mass email to everyone that may ever come in contact with her child? If she does either one of those, how much information should she include about her child's history and the PTSD and the beatings, etc.? What about when triggers change? Because this kid is pretty incredible and is responding well to therapy, but sometimes new stuff pops up. So should mama forwarn everyone when new stuff pops up? Is that respectful of her child as a person? Would anyone even want to hang out with her or her kid if she was doing all of the that?
Also, there's the whole issue of other people understanding the severity without having any experience with children like the one described above. Children who have grown up without anyone caring about them develop differently than children who are nurtured. Their brain chemistry is changed due to their environment and so their brains work differently than expected. (And even if you are "used" to this as an adoptive family, you never really get used to a completely different thought process, because you always fall back on your own way of thinking and then have to remind yourself to go back to where in the interaction you lost your lovey and build a bridge together. It makes my brain tired a lot.)
We've been on vacation with extended family for several days. It's been great, but it's been hard. Because even though many of their behaviors/actions/word choices/decisions are completely natural for them and many people across America, they are things that are hard for my little man. They are things that a year ago would have caused a violent outburst. All these relatives really care about Ty. They don't mean to cause him hardship. But we haven't told them everything (I'm not entirely sure what we've told them, or when, and that matters because things change), partly because I want to respect my son and his deepest, darkest secrets, and partly because I'm not entirely sure how to go about telling people that some of their most common behaviors are triggers for my son. AND our belief in parenting Ty is that (in a safe environment) he needs to be exposed to normal things that typically upset him so that he can learn that said behavior is normal, not harmful, and to be tolerated. He's going to have to face these things as an adult and he needs to be prepared. But I don't know to what extent others are going to engage in any of these behaviors/actions/decisions/languages, so do I tell them at some point that enough is enough? Do I warn Ty ahead of time that these things might go on and he needs to prepare himself? I don't want him to make a decision to dislike someone before he even meets them.
It's messy and confusing and unpredictable and at the end of the day he feels discombobulated and I get to clean it all up.
We teach Ty that he can only control himself, he can't control the decisions others make. So where does that leave me on advocating for him? I can't control the decisions others make. If they knew more would they make different choices? How much should I share?
I'm so proud of Ty for all of the progress he has made. I know no other kids of any age that work even half as hard on themselves as Ty does. I know MAYBE 1 adult that can compare to Ty on working on his inner self. And that one adult is the most focused person I have ever met in my life. It's unreal to me how we keep asking our son to improve in specific areas and then he does (with support, but still!). He's the most amazing person I have ever met and the worst part of it is that he doesn't want you to know his real self. He tries to hide it. If I look back to where we were a year ago, two years ago, I feel like RickyBobby, thanking baby Jesus in his shining diapers that we're not there anymore. (It's a prayer of desperation. thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou that we are not there anymore. pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't make us go back there. I will do anything. ANYTHING!)
I don't know how to be a better advocate for my son. I don't think I'm doing a particularly stellar job. Being Ty's mom has changed me. People who really know him or know kids like him do the best with him. I think because they're not just treading lightly so as not to cause a disturbance, they are really changed, too. But if you don't know him or any kids like him chances are you haven't been changed. And I don't know how to help you if you're still the same person you were before you met my son. But I want you to have the chance to know him. He's special. His mama says so.
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