Old, unpublished, unfinished posts

I didn't write as much as I wanted to when Eli was in the PICU. It was hard and terrible and even though I had a lot to get out, I just let most of it go. But I do have two partial, unfinished posts that I worked on in that time. I thought I'd share them.
****It is important to note that I am not currently in this place, mentally or physically. This part is done.

5/22:

When bad news is constantly nipping at your heels, and all the good news you can expect is "stable", it doesn't FEEL good. It FEELS terrifying. When you realize that the valley you thought you were in two months ago, five months ago, was just partway down the mountain, and the valley is so deep and dark now you can't even see the mountain ahead, it is hard to have hope. 

We do not rely on our emotions to guide us, but it is a constant struggle to not give in to them. 

The love we have for Eli is immeasurable. It is heartbreaking to see him so weak and sick. Sometimes we simply have to choose hope when hope feels distant. 

My son is visiting for the weekend and he's wearing a bracelet that says, "I will trust in the Lord and not be afraid." I have already repeated this to myself 1,000 times today. 

We are weary. 

7/1:

God, I don't know what you're doing and I don't know if I can bear it. It has been such a hard road. Twice I have been told my son's life is over. And yet it isn't. You have saved him. At least I think you have. 

When I just think about today I can kind of do it. I sort of hobble along. When I think about what might be around the corner, another viral attack, or a kidney transplant, I am paralyzed with fear. Paralyzed. I hear screaming in my head, but no sounds come out of me. 

I know I should live for today, not tomorrow, but this is a little extreme. A human being just can't do what is being asked of me or of Eli. 

I cannot live in a hospital forever! I cannot live without my son, either. 

Please make a way out. Be merciful. You've saved him twice. Heal him. Here. 

___________________________________________________________________________

Eli made it 18 days after that last entry. On one hand it was so quick. No one really expected him to die the day he did. On the other hand, it had all been going on so long. 

As we left Durham the day after Eli passed, my husband shared some thoughts with me. He said we had wished we could trade places with Eli for so many months (truth), and now we had. Eli was finally out of suffering, and we had entered into suffering. Our hearts are most certainly broken, but we are also relieved for Eli.
I know what you're thinking, and no, it's not that simple.


"There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still." -Corie Ten Boom