We moved, downsized, back in January, while Eli was still in the hospital here in Jax. It was insane. I did so little of the packing and moving that I don't know where anything is or what we even own. But I am so grateful for the incredible help that was given to get us moved. People showed up and packed boxes and it all got done. So much love given and received.
One thing I appreciate about the townhouse (besides the amazing price, the reasonable size, the quiet neighborhood, the good location) is that I didn't have to come home to a house full of memories of Eli. He only lived here for 36 hours. To me, that's a good thing. It makes this whole crazy losing my son thing just the tiniest bit more manageable.
And still. Still I mutter "dammit" to myself a thousand times a day, when I unexpectedly come across something that was Eli's. Dammit. I was looking through a box of clothes today for my missing summer clothes and there was a collection of little boy shorts and tshirts in the bottom of the box. Dammit. I was looking for sunscreen today and I walked into the boys' bathroom to see the basket of Eli's bath toys on the back of the toilet. Dammit.
It's not so much "dammit here's more of his stuff". It's more "dammit he didn't make it" "dammit I had to come home without him"
Dammit.
Lisa your writing is so honest and moving. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. My heart aches for you and your family. I find myself moved to tears at times when thinking about Eli. I pray for you often.
ReplyDeleteYour precious Eli grabbed my heart the first time I read about him on a post from Encouraging Teachers. What a wonderful smile your son had! I loved how you sometimes called him The Beast and would say he was in Beast Mode.
I want to thank you for your honesty in writing about your strong faith but also how so very difficult this has been for you...your questions and your pain and anger and fear. I went through some very difficult and different circumstances and well meaning Christians would tell me to draw near to God, be closer to Him and it wouldn't be as painful. You and I both know that's a load of crap.
Blessings as you continue on your so very painful journey. I pray for His comfort for you. Betsy