Laundry and memories of a lifeless body

Caution: morbid, I guess

This post includes some details about Eli's body moments after he died. Death is a natural part of life. But be warned if you are squeamish about such things.

Today I did several loads of laundry. As I was taking clothes out of a dollar store pop up hamper we had used in Durham, I pulled out the shirt Jerry was wearing when Eli died. I didn't specifically remember it being THE shirt, but when I picked it up I noticed a stain on the collar. Immediately I was back to the hour or so after Eli's heart stopped. 

In those first moments the respiratory therapist removed the breathing tube, the nurse clamped and disconnected the various tubes, and I peeled the adhesive leads for the monitor from Eli's chest and belly. He always hated all those stickers on him anyway. 

Once everything was off, Jerry and I took turns holding him. It was both terrible and precious, as we hadn't been able to pick him up and hold him for months. His body was bloated (it had been for months) and he was wearing a diaper.

But because we were holding a body without life in it, there was nothing to keep some of the body fluids in. So as we held Eli in our arms, some fluid would drain out of his nose. I kept wiping it because he would have hated the feeling of something running out of his nose and down his face. Naturally we got some on us. 

So when I was doing laundry today and pulled out Jerry's yellow collared shirt and saw a pale brown stain on the collar I knew exactly what it was. I watched the stain form again in my mind as Jerry held our baby and we both sobbed. 

Part of me would love to go back to that moment, because it felt good to hold his still warm body, without tubes connecting him to any machines, and without the incessant beeping we had become so accustomed to. 

It's weird, but as we sat and held Eli right after he died, it felt reminiscent of when we sat and held him the night he was born. Which makes me think about how the grief and anticipation of losing Eli felt exactly like my postpartum heartache that made me sob for weeks after Eli was born. 

It all makes me wonder if birth and death aren't closely linked in a way we don't understand.