We still have nowhere to go. I have been LOOKING and LOOKING and LOOKING. It turns out it is difficult to devote all of your time to finding a place to live and pack your current residence, oh and parent those pesky children that for some reason can't feed and clean themselves. So I've been spending all of my time parenting and looking (which means not packing). And apparently it's all in vain. We've gotten NOWHERE! If you had told me that selling my house would go pretty smoothly (besides being a giant pain in the rear and getting locked out with 2 kids and a dog) and finding a new house would be the hard part I would not have believed you for one second. But that's how it's going. Sigh.
Last week I asked for packing advice on facebook and I got the MOST AMAZING AND THOROUGH responses! I'm so thankful for such kind, loving, and knowledgeable friends. I am going to do what everyone says, just as soon as I do any packing of any kind. Sigh.
So here's where I'm at. Everyone says pray, believe God has the perfect house for you. Believe you me, I have been. I've been up in the middle of the night feeding Eli, having a breakdown because I'm soverytiredwiththeknowledgethatEliwillnevereversleepthroughthenight and soverystressedoutandpanickybecauseIhavetwoweekstogetmyfamilyandthingsoutofhereandIhavenoideawherewearegoing. And I've been begging God to do something, anything, make this work out somehow. And I have believed He would. But nothing has happened. Worse than nothing, every single thing has fallen through. Prime example: we found what appeared to be an AMAZING house on water, fenced, 5 bedrooms, reasonable price, a bit dated. Close enough to Ty's school next year and work for Jerry. It appeared to have been empty for years and on the market for sale since 2010, on the rental market since February. It's now June. I called the guy before 9am this morning to schedule a showing. He told me he got an application that looks good for it yesterday. YES.TER.DAY!!!!!!! Every single time we think something might work out, we're a day late and a dollar short. Frustration does not even begin to describe it. I truly do not feel like we're being that picky, and our budget is pretty broad. We need space. We're willing to pay for it. Where is it?
So here's where I'm at. Does God love me? Yes! Does God take care of me? Yes, absolutely! Does God care exactly how many square feet of space would be ideal or whether or not a certain layout would help or hinder Eli's napping? Eh, there's a lot of suffering in the world, A LOT of hungry, homeless people. I am not one of them. Frankly, I hate that this house business is taking so long because I feel like I should be more available to help others. So is God concerned with those specific things that would make a house work or not work for my family? I'm just not sure.
Think about when a child receives a gift. They either get excited or they tell you why it isn't exactly right (please do not let that be my children, ever!). I don't want to be that kid to God that tells him what I have isn't exactly what I wanted, or there's something wrong with it.
At the same time, we saw 2 houses yesterday that we could make work for us (and didn't have a problem with our giant dog). They wouldn't solve all of the problems we have in our current arrangement, but we could get in pretty much immediately, and deal with the layout. But if we wait very long they'll both be taken.
Jerry wants to keep looking. I'm okay with that in the way that I agree we haven't found anything in the same ballpark as "just right", but I'm SO NOT OKAY with it in the way of we have to vacate this house SOON! On top of that, I SWEAR every time I find something that I think could work, my wonderful husband tells me something completely different from our last conversation about houses. And we've had about 1,000 conversations about houses at this point. So I am LOSINGMYEVERLOVINGMIND!
I even tried to call an apartment complex this morning to get a plan B going, and I couldn't even do that right. I pressed 0 for a leasing agent, as prompted, and then there was dead silence for an extended time, and then simultaneously someone answered AND voicemail started talking to me. WHUCK?
All of these things are telling me to wait. And I have been waiting. But at what point does waiting become practicing stupidity?
A lot of people have encouraged us to get a POD or a SAM (pick your delivered storage container of choice) and while I think that's a good idea, it doesn't solve the where to go problem. Remember that I called an apartment complex today and the technology broke. My mom offered for us to move in with her and to take her room (because Eli naps well in a pack n play in her ginormous, dark, and quiet walk in closet. Don't judge, the closet is bigger than a lot of bedrooms I've seen.) and that she and my Dad could sleep on the pullout sofa or the guest room. My mom is incredible!! But I told her she might not want to offer her bed without having any idea how long we'd be staying. At this point, it could be a while.
So we wait. If we don't have a plan by this weekend you can find me in a psychiatric hospital because I can't handle much more of this.

The Birds and the Bees...

Today I picked Ty up from school and he gave me a thumbs up like everything was cool. When I asked him about his day he handed me this pamphlet


(I don't know why it's sideways and windows photo gallery won't let me rotate it. Blah!)

YUP, it was THAT day in 5th grade today!

Here's what Mr. T. had to tell me about it: "You were right. I already knew everything. I told them I have a baby brother so I know how babies are formed."

FACE PALM...

Where we WON'T be living...

Here is where we won't be living: 1. A somewhat spacious 4/2 complete with wall drawings from the toddler that used to live there. Nope, they don't plan on repainting, I asked. 2. What I think could be an ideal 4/3, but the listing agent didn't show up to the showing. And he had a pretty surprising attitude when I called him b/c we were there and he wasn't. I told him to call me when we was available to show the house. Haven't heard from him and it's been almost 2 full days. Not the guy I want to be giving my rent check to... 3. And my favorite- a 4/3.5 at the beach. The owner is in west Africa as a missionary and has the keys with her. As soon as I send her a check for $1,000 she will mail me the keys and the house is ours. What do you take me for? A complete idiot? The only real option at the moment is a very spacious 4/2 plus a very tiny office in a neighborhood with 50,000 road humps. There are some real selling points to the house, but there are some drawbacks. Can someone else please make this decision?

Sleep When the Baby Sleeps...(3/5/12)

(originally written 3/5/12, just a few weeks before the big 1 yr birthday)

These are the jerks  precious angels that plot against me.

Sleep When the Baby Sleeps….

“Sleep when the baby sleeps!” We’ve all heard it. It sounds like such a good idea. But obviously the person that invented that gem of a saying never had a baby. Am I right?

My baby doesn’t sleep. I guess we’ve made progress, but he’s dangerously close to the one year mark and the most I can hope for is 4 hours in a row, once a night. Other than that it’s every hour, give or take.

He doesn’t nap well, either. The first 6 months of his life consisted of 20 minutes here, 20 minutes there, a few times a day. The “experts” say that is a sure sign he is overtired. Well, experts, take cover. I am squaring up. I have tried everything to get the child to go to sleep and stay asleep. Believe me, I want him to sleep more than anyone else in the whole blessed world. What he wants is me to hold him upright and walk around for hours, so he can doze against me and never commit to a REM cycle. People, it ain’t happenin’.

Here is the scientific law of naps: If your baby falls asleep and you lay down for a snooze, said baby will wake within 20-30 minutes. If your baby falls asleep and you decide your families’ need for non-toxic clothing and dishes is greater than your need for sleep, said baby will give you a solid 1-2 hours. Babies are jerks like that.

Of course, this is not taking into account older siblin gs that tamper with infant sleep preferences for sport. Finally got your baby napping? Sorry, in all that effort time got away from you and in 15 minutes you’ll need to pack that baby up and head for the carpool line. Baby snoozing peacefully? Too bad, because big brother decided the hallway where the BEDROOM DOORS ARE LOCATED would be perfect as a bowling lane, complete with crashing pins and balls hitting the “bumpers” (also known as WALLS).

So yeah, sleep when the baby sleeps. You will be +12 minutes of sleep and -1 shower. You can do the math, but I’ll tell you, it just stinks. 

Don't Stop Me Now, I'm on a Roll!!!!

I've been on a cooking spree. I'm not making huge gourmet meals for my family or anything, just trying new things that have ALL TURNED OUT AMAZING!
Here's what I recommend:
1. Easy Peasy Rice and Beans (pay attention to the addendum as the crockpot involved is apparently old and does not heat very well. Mine is super hot, so I cooked accordingly.)
2. Egg In A Hole (This has been called "Better than McDonald's" by a certain 11 year old...)
3. Also, homemade "uncrustables" pb&j sandwiches were a big hit made with my brand new Crustbuster. I made a whole loaf of bread worth and stuck them in the freezer, just like real, actual Smuckers Uncrustables Sandwiches. Ty says mine are better. I told him it's because they're made with love. <3
4. Green beans sauteed with chopped onion in a little olive oil. Season with salt and pepper. Cook them until they are a little burned. That's called "carmelized" and it's delicious.

And then there were brussel sprouts.

Pretty, huh? They are also "carmelized". I was considering myself quite the chef. Until I ate one. Unfortunately, they tasted the way diarrhea smells. That is not an exaggeration. There are not words for how terrible they were. So I tried not to puke up the one I managed to eat and I dumped the rest in the garbage can. And now my garbage can stinks. The end.

Oh Where Oh Where Are We Going To Live?

If all goes well, our house closes 1 month from today. We have nothing lined up to move into. No plan A. No plan B. Now, there are some stipulations with the buyer's financing as far as the inspection goes, so it's entirely possible that we end up at square 1 with our house back on the market (Please God, don't let that happen!).
We thought we found the perfect house. Way back before we put our house on the market. We believed it was the house God had for us. I heard angels singing, I saw our boys playing in it. We assumed it was ours for the taking. But all doors have been closed on us and that house. I'm pretty sure they were nailed shut as well. Oddly, it's still available for rent. Just apparently not to us...?
I've been so inundated with sickness that I haven't done much looking for another house. Even when I do look for houses, it feels off. I am well aware that is weird. 
Realizing again today that closing is getting closer and we have nowhere to go, I looked for houses again. I found a great one, I think. We go on Friday to see it. I feel like I'm going through the motions because I'm suppose to find a place for my family to live, but I also feel like I don't need to. Like God's got it handled and I'm either wasting my time or getting in the way. 
It's all just weird. Despite the fact that we could be lacking a home in a month I feel no motivation to find one. I do feel stress, lots of stress. But I'd feel more stress if I thought this house thing was my problem. 
Either I trust God to provide for my family or I don't.

Today's God Moment (9/28/2011)

(Originally written 11/9/2011)

I had an epiphany from God today.

You can think I am drawing conclusions and connecting imaginary dots if you like, it's okay with me. You'd be wrong, but you can think that. You can also think I'm crazy. At this point, I am, but I'm clear on this. 

Here's the thing. Eli is below the weight chart. He's been below the weight chart. I attempt to feed him ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT. It is so. much. work. The real problem with all this feeding is it messes with my head. I'm constantly counting his calories and estimating ounces of formula and trying to figure out if he's had enough and how I can get more in him, etc. etc. I've developed quite an obsession/fear of sorts about his feedings. 

EVERY SINGLE DAY a random stranger says some version of, "He looks so healthy." All I can think is Have you SEEN a baby recently? I know he's pretty, but there is a striking lack of rolls. I literally cannot find pants that are long enough for his legs, yet small enough around the waist to actually come in contact with his middle. He's had 5 tests in the last 5 months at the children's hospital. They all come out fine, but he won't eat, his sleeping sucks, he is not healthy, he's too skinny, he's below the weight chart, I WANT ROLLS ON MY BABY!

I'm not crazy enough to say any of this. Most of the time. 

And then I was driving home today. Eli was in his car seat, awake as usual. I was thinking about how God uses people to do His work. And then I thought about the interaction I had this morning with a woman and how frustrated I was that no one seemed to understand what I was going through with Eli.  

And then it hit me. All of these people who keep telling me that Eli is healthy is GOD TELLING ME Eli is healthy. He's using all these people day after day to get His point across to me. Eli is okay. I might not like his "stats", and it might be inconvenient and even a bit stressful to try to feed him 7, 8 times a day, but Eli is the tiny little person that God created him to be. The sky isn't falling and Eli isn't dying. He's growing. He has had 5 tests in 5 months and what have they all shown? That he is "normal".

I can keep obsessing and living in fear that tomorrow he will stop eating altogether, OR I can do my best to feed him and love him, and enjoy him, because he won't let me cuddle him forever. 

We didn't name him Elijah for nothing. "The Lord is my God." Yes, indeed.