Sucker punch

Today I'm angry. I like to think I'm angry at dumb people, but I'm not. I'm angry at grief. 

The last few weeks had been a tiny bit better. Not better, really. But I was more functional. Not spending as much time in bed, unable to get up and do the things that needed doing. It didn't feel particularly good or enjoyable or even like hope, but it was some minuscule movement in that direction. 

Connor died this week. Much the same way Eli did. And that deep grief that I had been given a small reprieve of came back to sucker punch me and hold me under. I sort of saw it coming and that didn't even help. 

I try to under commit to things. Expectations are the kryptonite of the grieving. But life has just happened this week and I have failed at all of it. I haven't been accountable in my parenting at all. I have just plain not showed up for several things. I have summoned the energy for things that it turns out I had wrong on my calendar. All this failing is pissing me off. 

I was talking with a fellow grief friend today. We were talking about this notion that "it's never too late to start over". I would like to start this day, this week, over. But grief has me so far down I can't even reach the surface to try once, much less again. My friend wisely shared that the whole "starting over" thing doesn't apply to death or grief. You just do what you can do. That's it. 

She's right. I just wish I could feel more like a person right now.