I was the one

I was the first one to know he was coming, the first to see the test result, "pregnant", the first to feel the ice of fear shoot down my spine. I was the one who felt his gymnastics and his hiccups as he grew and played in my belly. I was the one who labored with him for 17 hours and pushed him, launched him, like a man out of a cannon, from my body. I was the one who fed him, in seemingly a million different ways, just to get something, anything into his tiny tummy. I was the one who cried when he cried and laughed when he laughed. I was the one who gently covered his little bottom in balm when he had a rash. I was the one who sang songs, who paced and bounced for hours, to try to calm his discomfort. I was the one who made food from scratch and calculated calories and fat of every single bite, trying to get just a little more in him. I was the one who got up every night, over and over, to feed him and comfort him. I was the one who bathed him, washed his hair, kissed his feet, and made raspberries with him. I was the one he feel asleep on in the grocery store, strapped to my chest. I was the one who cheered endlessly at his every attempt to take a step and another step, as though he was discovering a new scientific element. I was the one who took his temperature, even though I already knew he had a fever. I was the one who begged him to just watch TV for 10 minutes so I could shower or eat or think. I was the one who drove him to swimming lessons every day for 8 weeks so he wouldn't drown. I was the one who read him bedtime stories. I was the one who planned his birthday parties. I was the one who took pictures endlessly (though now I would say not nearly enough).
I was the one who held him in the ER. I was the one who slept in the hospital bed with him. I was the one who took him to clinic appointments and at home cared for the line they put in his arm. I was the one who gave his medical history over and over and over and over and over again. I was the one who told him what would happen at the next procedure. I was the one who watched his spirit crumble when he realized he wasn't strong enough to run and play with his brother anymore. I was the one who told him the doctors were going to take his teeth out. I was the one who planned the tooth fairy party for after the surgery. I was the one who saw his tears for the frustration they were when he couldn't say words correctly without teeth. I was the one who cried and screamed in my car until my voice was hoarse, so he wouldn't have to know how angry and scared I was. I was the one who held his hand, who hid under the covers with him so we didn't have to see our reality. I was the one who lost my mind at doctors and nurses and policies that weren't helping him. I was the one who told him how much I loved him and how happy he made me. I was the one who told him he won the battle, but his body was tired and needed to rest. I was the one who kissed him and wiped his tears. So I was the one who laid next to him when his heart slowed to a stop.