Thankfulness and pain

I'm going to share a little bit of truth.
I've already heard this message a few times this week- "Be grateful in spite of your pain/grief and you will feel better". It seems to be the American way.
It is also patently untrue.
I AM thankful for some things. I am thankful for my kids. I am incredible thankful for my marriage, and how hard we are trying, even though every day is terrible. I am thankful I got to be Eli's mom. I'm NOT thankful to be a mom of a dead kid. I am not thankful to be alive.
My thankfulness does not alleviate my pain. It's both/and, not either/or.
Also, grief and pain and sadness are not complications or things to avoid or 'fix'. Although they are supremely sucky, they are natural processes and a part of being a human being. And while I am not thankful for it, suffering tends to make us better humans. All the best people I know, and the ones I only know through their story or teachings, have suffered greatly. They didn't claim joy everyday. They sat in their pain until they were able to stand in it, until they were able to walk in it, until they were able to shake some of it. Sometimes it's two steps forward, three steps back. Sometimes it's helpful to be grateful. Sometimes nothing is helpful.
I don't say any of this for pity. Please. I've had enough pity for five lifetimes. As Eli would say, "DisgUSting!"
I say it because so many people are hooked on positivity. Even many Christians who call it Christianity. Positivity is good and helpful, but it is not 100% of the equation. Some feelings demand to be felt before they will begin to fade into the fabric of who we are. Even if it's Thanksgiving. Even if it's Christmas. Even if it's a random Tuesday.
It's good to be thankful. It's also okay if your thankfulness doesn't take away your pain right now.