Christmas

Not surprisingly this is the most rotten Christmas of my life. My most fervent wish was to not be home for Christmas, but between jerry getting sick and my grandmother passing away suddenly two days ago, we cancelled our Christmas avoidance trip. So I got wake up in my own house, in my own bed, without my little man. We haven't opened presents or even eaten. You can only watch so many episodes of downton abbey in a row before you get a headache. For me it was seven. 

I went to my favorite Christmas Eve service yesterday, put on by three churches, in a parking lot downtown. One church is Lutheran. One church is non-denominational. And one church is sponsored by the Episcopal diocese, but made up of homeless folks who meet for worship and fellowship as often as any other faith community. So the Christmas Eve service in a parking lot is fairly barebones and a hodgepodge mix of people. To me it's much more representative of the body of Christ than any one church I've been to. 

I was challenged by a story the pastor told about the worst Christmas ever. The worst Christmas ever was when nothing looked like it should- the decorations, the presents, the people. But that worst Christmas ended up being the most like the very first Christmas. Fear, humiliation, exhaustion, pain. 

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This is my worst Christmas. Every single moment is excruciating. Also, some good things have happened. I have received some incredibly thoughtful gifts that have also made the world a better place for someone. A friend made a donation in Eli's honor to provide medical help for mothers and babies in developing countries. This is especially dear to me because so many times I thought to myself and said that the only reason Eli made it into the world and then through babyhood was due to modern medical advancements. Had we lived somewhere with no resources he would have probably died during birth. If not then, then as a baby. I am so thankful I got to have him long enough to get to know him. 

Eli's aunt and uncle made a donation to Samaritan's Purse to provide sports balls and equipment to a school in a developing area. It makes me so happy that there are some kids who get to run and play the way Eli always loved to. 

My parents made a donation to World Vision to provide soccer balls and to give a family three ducks for eggs to eat and sell. Eli loved the soccer league he did. He loved going to feed the ducks. These were things he did with pure joy. They are now painful, but precious memories.

I'm so glad the love we have for Eli is fueling joy and hope for other people around the world. 

Today is still completely rotten. My sentiments can be summed up with eff you. I pretty much hate everyone and everything. And also I'm thankful Eli's love continues to go on and is changing the world little by little.