Four months

Four months

Today has been four months since Eli died. Four months since I held his lifeless body. It mostly feels like emptiness. And surprise. I don't know how I'm still alive and how I keep waking up every day. I'm surprised every time I look in my rearview mirror and I don't see him in his car seat looking back at me. I am surprised every time the milk goes bad before we finish it. Even though Eli was sick for a very long time I'm so surprised that he's dead. It's still really weird that he's not here. 

Some people seem to hear from their dead person on a regular basis. They see beautiful signs that their person has sent to comfort them, they see the silhouette of their person in the crowd for a moment, they sense them nearby. None of that has been my experience so far. I don't know if it's my doubting faith or my skepticism at finding meaning in everything, but my companion is emptiness.

There is an author by the name of Nadia Bolz-Weber whose thoughts on faith and God have been relatable and comforting to me. (Here is her blog: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nadiabolzweber/) She talks about this idea of 'casseroles from God'. Casseroles from God are when you are strung out and something seemingly coincidental happens and it brings you comfort or keeps you going a little bit longer. A lot of times these casseroles from God come from people. 

I was talking with a friend yesterday about this concept and basically said it sounded great, but I didn't really buy it. 

Today I took Ty to school and came home and went back to bed. I stayed in bed for several hours and even though I had something pressing I just couldn't get myself up. Eventually I did get up and shower. The weather is terrible here. It is dreary and rainy and while it fits my mood it probably doesn't exactly help. I got in my car without noticing anything amiss. But as I pulled away from the house I noticed the grass lot across the street was absolutely covered in ducks and geese. There were at least 25 waddling around looking for food in the wet ground. It made me catch my breath. I immediately knew it was a casserole from God, or perhaps from Eli. 

If Eli was here he would have seen the ducks and the geese before we even got in the car. We would've had to walk across the street to get a closer look. He would have squatted down and just watched them for as long as I would let him. He would tell me about them and what they were doing. "Did you see that one, mama? He's lookin for somethin in the grass. He's so cute! He's with his family...." Eli would tell me all about it. It's so weird that he's not here to tell me about the ducks.