This is part of my writing for a virtual writing class. The prompt had to do with showing kindness to yourself in the wake of grief.
From the time Ty moved in until Eli died (2 weeks shy of 5 years), I did a poor job of taking care of myself. Everyone always needed something from me. And every regular thing is one hundred times harder when you have to do it while also looking after babies and children. The result of that was me doing the least things possible, which was essentially me cutting self care out of my life. (I don't include the year of illness and hospitals. That was pure survival mode. That's all it can be.)
I know, I know, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. But it appeared I needed less oxygen, so it's fine, right?
It turns out I told a few people in the last few years to be kind to themselves or gentle with themselves as they were grieving, because grieving is hard work. I stand by that statement.
Recently my cousin used my own words against me. So I'm being kind to myself by putting myself first. Sometimes I come home from taking Ty to school and go back to bed because I'm tired. Almost every day I do something active because I know it's what I need, even if I whine internally about it. I make time to write because it's a thing just for me. Mostly I try to listen to myself, and lower my expectations. If there are five things on my to do list and I accomplish one, I tell myself I did great. The best part is, I actually believe me. That NEVER would have happened before grief.
Even when I let people down, I tell myself I did my best. Miraculously I accept that as truth. It is pure grace.
I like grace. It is maybe the best part of grief, which is a weird thing to say. That's like saying the oxygen mask at the hospital is the best part of getting struck by lightning. The whole thing is terrible and I am uncertain if I will survive it. But the grace is soft and it helps me hang on.
My Dad told me "Always do your best! No one can expect more from you." Since then, my Dad's advice has guided me through many tough times in life. In my opinion Lisa, you did great! No one could expect more from you. No one!
ReplyDeleteI don't think that anyone should look back with regrets because God has create us to be who we are and offers us love, forgiveness, and grace and also because every choice that we make is the best choice we could make at that time.... We can look back all we want and say if I only would have.... could have.... should have but, in reality, at the time we made any choice, we made the best choice that we could have made with what we had at the time. That is exactly why we need t be kind to ourselves and to others. That is why we need to live in God's grace and share God's grace. You may not feel like it but by the grace of God you will survive. You will find peace in the midst of the turmoil. You will heal and the pain will diminish. You will never be the same again but then, you, amazingly, wouldn't want the love that makes this journey so difficult to have never been. You wouldn't want that love to be taken from you. It is one of the best parts of your journey. Continue t share Eli's love. It is a powerful testament of faith. Your son has changed the world even for people who never got to meet him in person. Grief may feel like it holds you but it does not because you are held by God. Through the grief, you are enabled to receive the promise of the Resurrection. That is a powerful testament to you faith. May the peace of God be with you. You are in my prayers. PD
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