The Poor Mom's Reese's

I've been struggling a lot recently with flashbacks of times when Eli was especially suffering (there is no shortage of those) and also times when I just made parenting decisions that I now regret (also no shortage there). I could make a joke here about the combination of trauma and mom guilt, but instead I will tell you the truth. It is debilitating. I am having anxiety attacks. One minute I'm sort of normal and the next minute I'm seeing Eli in the PICU bed with the BiPap mask on trying to breathe and I'm sobbing and forcing myself to keep taking breaths through the pain. Sometimes it's almost like my brain gets stuck in a loop where I see or think some terrible memory or thought over and over and over.
I called a counselor, but while I wait for my appointment I have relied on the goodness and understanding of friends. They have been so kind and so wise. They remind me that I believe in truth and the truth is Eli isn't suffering now. He's so happy. He's happier than he's ever been. It is normal for me to feel upset about his suffering, but there is no requirement that I do. One of my friends gave me a homework assignment to think about one happy Eli memory every day, so that I don't believe the lies that tell me all he ever did was suffer. I realized he did have a lot of joy and love in his life. Today I thought about the way he put slices of black olives on his fingers before he ate them, and also how after eating hummus or bean dip he would stick his tongue out of the side of his mouth to lick his lips. Adorable.
Somewhat unrelated, I was also thinking about how I have, on occasion, gotten sucked into a mom forum on the internet. Let me tell you the truth about that. The mom forums (the ones where somebody asks a question about their baby that they should really be asking their pediatrician, and then 80,000 moms respond with their own assumptions and are total jerks, also known as sanctimommies) are a giant waste of time. This is how I know. Of ALL of the things that were wrong with Eli, the best information I ever got is called the Poor Mom's Reese's. Here's how it works: instead of eating a scoop of peanut butter out of the jar, sprinkle a small handful of chocolate chips in the jar and then scoop them out and eat them. Voila! Poor Mom's Reese's. Seeing as how, as genius as the poor mom's reese's is, that is the best information I found, that means there aren't good answers on the internet for taking care of your baby or toddler (or adopted child or teenager, for that matter).
The lesson here is to listen to your gut, to do what you know is best for your kid, because you really do know better than anyone. Don't ask the internet. The internet is good for things like the poor mom's reese's and cat videos.