Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Darkness
(Subtitle: Is God Good?)
(I don't have an answer to that question and I am distrustful of people who do. But you do you.)
Here's what Christians do. They decide what they want, usually it's something at least somewhat altruistic, and then they pray for it and they get all their friends to pray for it. If they get that thing they prayed for, that "miracle", then they declare "God is good!!!" Obviously I am not above or beyond or outside of doing this because I asked perfect strangers to pray for my kid. And speaking of praying for my kid, what happens when that miracle is illusive? Do you hear anyone proclaiming how good God is when the miracle doesn't happen? When a kid dies? Nope. I was talking about this with a friend who said, "So God gets all of the credit for the good stuff and none of the blame for the bad stuff. I want THAT job!" Yeah, sign me up. Sounds like a sweet gig.
I don't know how it works, but I do think we have it framed wrong in our understanding. The good stuff might not be as good as we think it is, and the bad stuff might not be as bad. (I mean, it seems pretty bad, but I'm still pretty close to it, so while it IS totally terrible, I have the worst perspective possible to be providing answers.)
Here is what I don't appreciate. I don't appreciate people insinuating that I or we didn't pray enough or have enough faith. I tend to think people who are of that belief are the ones that don't have enough faith. A couple of our facebook updates on Eli's page were viewed over 120,000 times. Some of those people shared Eli's story and the need for prayer with others who didn't even see the posts. So I feel comfortable estimating that HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of people prayed in good faith for my son. Apparently that wasn't enough for the miracle we all wanted. So I'm not sure there was an amount of faith or prayer that could have swayed God's heart. Whatever he had for Eli must have been accomplished, no matter how much I rail against his death.
I also don't appreciate people using the phrase "God is good" or any variation of that. Because I'm not convinced that he is. I'm just not. Please see above where hundreds of thousands of prayers weren't enough. I mean, what the hell?
On the other side of the coin is the fact that there was NO exit strategy for Eli. He was SO sick. So so so sick. He had been on continuous dialysis, stuck in bed, for months. It was going to be a very long time until he was healthy enough for peritoneal dialysis, and an even longer time until he could get a kidney transplant. And in the meantime we had to keep the adenovirus from killing him, which is tricky with no immune system. Viruses are b!&%#$. Also, in the weeks before he died he was throwing up blood and no one knew why. Plus his immune system was growing so very very slowly. Slower than is typical. If Eli was still alive, barring a divine miracle, he would still be profoundly sick and suffering and in a bed and miserable with a million tubes. And our family would still be separated, which let me tell you was so much harder on each of us than I anticipated. So maybe death was a relief for Eli? I don't feel like that for myself at all, but I recognize that it's a possibility.
I've talked to people who have experienced great losses and it seems this is just something I'm going to have to wrestle with until I'm done wrestling with it. What encourages me currently is Mother Teresa's story. Early in her life she felt very close to God. He spoke to her all the time, she was incredibly happy to give her life in service as a nun. She started her ministry in Calcutta well into her 40s and somewhere along the way she stopped hearing from God. Where she once had experienced a deep relationship, she felt emptiness, cut off. She wasn't sure where God was or who was, and at times if he even existed. She struggled with this for the rest of her life. This is a concept called "the dark night of the soul". The name comes from a mystic in the 17th century who wrote a poem of that name. What encourages me about Mother Teresa is that she struggled deeply with her faith at a time when the world looked at her as the holiest and the sum of goodness. Despite her struggles she never gave up on her faith or on her life's work. She still contributed to the world and had a meaningful life. I don't know if she looked at it that way. It was terribly hard for her. But she brought Love to a place that needed it. I have no idea who is counting, but that counts for something.
Aside from flashbacks and anxiety attacks, one of the things I've been battling in my mind is this idea of getting stuck in my grief. I know I have to walk through it. I know I will never be the same as I was before. But I don't want to get stuck in it and I don't want to be profoundly sad for the rest of my life. (Eli would hate that.) I can relate to Mother Teresa feeling an emptiness and absence where God once was in her life. The bible says God is near to the brokenhearted. I'm not saying he's not, but a nearness to God isn't exactly a common experience of the brokenhearted.
I listened to "Better Days" by the GooGoo Dolls the other day and I really dug it. I know this is the dark part. I know there is no way around it. But all I want is "just a chance that maybe we'll find better days". Are they coming? I don't know. I've seen it go both ways for people.
Is God good? I don't know. Are we even giving him credit and blame for the right things? Does it even matter?
***I have 0% interest in 'answers'. I find questions and wonderings much more realistic.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Keep questioning and wondering...that's what the 'process' of grief is all about...and know that if, like Mother T, you wrestle and wonder well, then the better days are coming. Keep the faith, my little niece!
ReplyDeleteHey Lisa! First off, you're an amazing writer. I like reading your posts because they are REAL! You are touching MORE people than I think you realize. And we will all go through some form of grief at some point, most likely. I have! I lost a brother back in '08 and it was super hard. But hard in a different way for my mom since it was her first born. And now it breaks my heart at just the idea of losing my little boy!!! But I'm aware that anything can happen. When I read your posts they make me think and they make me cherish the here and now. I also think it's good to question and even get angry at times. Just think, Jesus asked God 3 times if He really had to do this and He was sweating blood before he went to the cross. I think we find the passion in real LOVE through anger. Sounds weird but why do we get so easily mad at the people we love... B/c we love them and want the best for them. I'm sure I would go through these same emotions if I lost my little boy (he's 5 months right now). You're not weird and I think it just takes time. But in those sad times I vision myself laying in Gods arms...like He's holding me. And God is pretty dang big in my head. And in that moment I feel His love for me so much more. One verse that came to mind after I read this post was John 16:33.
ReplyDelete33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
And read John 16:16-33 to get the whole picture. But it's Jesus telling His disciples He will be leaving. I think it allows us to grasp the bigger picture of Gods love. I bet Eli understands it already...much better than us. The cool thing... We have eternity and this little time you are without Eli is tiny compared to the rest of eternity you will be with Him (again). Not that that takes away the pain now, but know He (God) is there even when we think we can't find Him. I live near the beach and I seem to feel closer to him the minute I step out onto that sand and see that vast ocean. Keep the faith! You are so much stronger than you realize.
And thank you for sharing your heart!
Lisa, first I want to say how terribly sad and sorry I am that you lost your beautiful son. I too lost a son and know all too well the pain is like no other I have ever experienced. I wouldn't wish the death of a child of any age on any parent. Its just not natural. Some interesting questions you ask about god and good credit versus bad. I cant answer that for you, but I can tell you that your grief journey will be your very own. We all are walking the same walk but at different stages of our journey. You are so very new into yours and with time you will find your new normal. No, you will never be the same and that IS TO BE EXPECTED. I now think of myself as an actress giving a performance and I wear many masks. In my life I found that some friends said all those stupid cliches like "you need to move on, you should be thankful you have other children, he has gone to a better place (how would they know), are you over it yet, you need to find a good book and think about something else, you need to stick your toes in the sand and your head in the sun and you will feel like the old Colleen, we want the old Colleen back". The list was endless. As you know too well the old Lisa and the old Colleen are not ever coming back. Im sure you cry every day as I do. We wish we could bring the old gals back along with my Charlie and your Eli. THAT WOULD BE A WISH COME TRUE........just one more day. No one BUT another parent who has lost a child will ever truly understand your loss and pain. I want you to know that there are many of us in this same club and we are here for you. We walk the same long journey. People ask me if it will get better and I cant answer that. I can tell you that I am able to function better and find myself more tolerant of insensitive clueless people, even tolerant where before I could take off their head over a ridiulous insensitive remark. Lisa I never left my room for close to five months unless absolutely necessary. That was the darkest of days. Now, I find myself remembering some of the good times and memories and I can even laugh and smile when I remember them. Not shortly thereafter I then shed some tears and my heart threatens to burst open on the spot, but I go on. The fact that I can remember something that makes me smile gives me hope.........we adjust, we adapt, we move forward, but we never move on, forget or go back to the old person we were. I attend a monthly support group called "The Compassionate Friends" which is nationwide. They meet once a month and are all parents who have lost children. It helps a lot. If you come out of a meeting feeling that one other person feels as you do it helps to know we arent crazy and that life will get better. You wont always be depressed, but give yourself time to grieve. Tears are the expression of love. My favorite place to cry was in the shower where I couldnt be heard. Eli lived and he should be mourned and only then can you celebrate his short life and all the joy he brought you. Dont count the minutes, days, weeks months or years. Each journey is unique. Might I suggest something that helped me. I wrote in a book all the good, funny, unique things I remembered that he did or said, no matter how silly or small. I want to remember everything including that he liked, ate, cooked and the good things. It wasnt a journal or a diary, just a book of things to remember. Whether it was his favorite toy, tv show, color, cereal, saying, friend...........these are the things you must never forget. I hope that I havent intruded on your feelings and I am truly sorry about the loss of Eli. with regards to God and goodness I dont know what to believe. I hope there is a life hereafter and that we see our children someday again. I hope that Eli and Charlie are in heavenly bliss but I cant confirm or deny. I guess thats why we pray because we want to believe. Sending you warm healing thoughts and hugs.
ReplyDelete