Writing his name in the sky

When Eli turned 4 last spring while in bone marrow transplant, I felt lament that he couldn't write his name. It doesn't need to be rational, I was just emotionally exhausted from living in the hospital and watching my kid get worse and I hated that he couldn't write his name. 

After Eli died in July I was desperate for assurance that he was okay and that I was going to be okay, eventually. I asked (God? Eli? I don't know) to see Eli's name in the sky. I wanted to see it clearly, so I would know for sure that Eli was okay and he could write his name. This would give me peace. This is what I thought. Again, it wasn't and didn't need to be rational. It was just how I felt and what I desired. So I looked for Eli's name in the sky for a month or two as I became more and more cynical. 

Then I stopped looking. What did I really think I was going to see? It was dumb anyway. 

My mom started a tradition/ritual of releasing a floating lantern each holiday in honor of Eli and now my grandma who passed away suddenly before Christmas. She has my complete blessing to grieve Eli however is comforting. But I won't participate. It's too much for me. 

So on Christmas late afternoon my entire extended family set out for a park to release two lanterns. On their way they saw Eli's name in the clouds: ELi. 

I wasn't there. I was at the beach with what seemed to be most of the rest of Jacksonville. The weather was weird and foggy. When I got back in my car I had a text from my mom that they had seen Eli's name in the clouds. She didn't know I had asked for that. No one did. 

How am I supposed to feel about this? This one bizarre thing I asked for actually happened, but not for me to see. There is a picture. That is not much consolation. 

I have a lot of questions. What am I supposed to do with this? Accept it because that's how life goes- you might get what you want, but rarely in the manner you wanted? Be grateful that it happened at all and there is a picture I can see? What if I had been there? Would I have been able to receive it or would I have found a way to discount it like I do everything else? Mostly, why did it happen this way? 

Here is what I either know or presume: This thing that happened has not strengthened my faith or brought me comfort. It pisses me off. I do think I would have discounted it somehow because Christmas was terrible and I was so angry and generally on the warpath that day. But I don't know what to do with it now. Look, if it was God or Eli that put Eli's name in the sky, then why was it somewhere I wouldn't see it. What is that about? 

I really don't think there is a simple answer, or an answer that would make sense to me here and now. But I do wish I understood what that was all about. 

I'm not sure I wish I was there, because like I said I don't think it would have been the comforting experience I desired. But maybe that's all I really want is some true comfort. I don't know.

ELi