A Grief Paradox

I don't think happiness is the goal. I have suspected so for a long time, but since having my children I have become more and more sure of it. Happiness is the cheaper version of what makes us tick. It ultimately is not fulfilling.

I think connection is what ultimately fulfills us in life. But connection is expensive. It requires us to be vulnerable with each other, to be our true selves, without the assurance that we will be met with acceptance. Connection is when our deepest, truest selves come out and interact with another's deepest, truest self.

Neither connection nor happiness are static states of being. They are moments we carry with us. They feed us. Happiness makes us smile. Connection makes us feel whole. 

I was talking to the husband about this the other day, in relation to my grief. Really, in relation to the fact that I am hiding in a hole and I cannot, will not connect openly over my grief. I lay in my bed and watch an ungodly amount of TV and no thank you, I would not like to talk about it or share pictures or memories. It's just too much. 

The husband thinks that's part of my problem. He thinks I'm a connector by nature, so keeping all this pain to myself is keeping me in deep grief. I can see where he's coming from. But I don't totally agree. I'm in deep grief because my kid is dead. Connecting over this grief is too much. It's too big, too red hot, too scary. Connecting over this grief isn't safe. I am confident that I would end up unresponsive on the floor and someone would need to call rescue. And the last thing we need is more medical bills. 

So what do I do with that? 

I think the husband is wrong. I think he hates seeing me like this. I think he wishes the collateral damage of having a dead kid, which is having a non-functional wife, is something he could fix or solve. I think seeing a grief counselor and going to grief club is the most connecting I can do right now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to connect more openly over this pain. I think if there is any hope of that, it will be a long time.

It's a paradox for sure, that connection is what we need and yet I can connect only limitedly over my grief. 

I could be completely wrong about all of it. I know almost nothing for sure. But I am pretty sure about happiness. I refuse to cheapen my life by chasing happiness. And that's not the grief talking. 

**While I have searched myself over the years and come to some of my own conclusions, connection and vulnerability can be explored in depth through the work of Brené Brown. Seriously, go read her books.**