To the doctors

I went to a service at Christmas for those who were struggling with the season- due to loss, illness, what have you. There was a time of sharing and a doctor who worked in trauma spoke about the uptick he saw in suicides around the holidays every year. He talked about how grievous it is to him personally, to see a patient brought in by rescue, only for it to be too late. He continued that having to tell the family and witness their pain was especially hard. And it felt worse to him to have to do that during the holiday season.
I wanted to talk to him before he left that night, but I missed him after the service. What I would have told him is that it matters that it hurts. It matters to the family that you feel pain in the loss of a life. Not pity for their loss, but pain for the loss to humanity of this one life.
I have spent much time in hospitals, interacting with medical professionals. I am sure they are generally taught not to show emotion. I am also sure that for most people in that environment, you feel you have to operate a bit disconnected as a sort of self-preservation tactic. And as someone who has seen many fellow patients die, I get that it's hard to keep feeling and weathering death. But it's also noble.
Death in a hospital is ugly. They tape a handwritten sign with the family's name on a door of a cramped multi-use conference room. You hate that sign. You want to rip it down, as if that would change anything. Someone comes and discusses autopsy with you. Your head is spinning and you aren't sure what the right decision is for any question they ask you. I have a friend who says planning a funeral is exactly like planning a wedding, but the worst wedding ever. It starts with all those questions and decisions at the hospital.
Of all of my friends who have lost a loved one in a hospital, do you know what everyone says about their experience? There was a doctor who shed a tear, or whose face betrayed their pain briefly, and the family saw that their hurt was shared. And it comforted them. For us, it was the morning after Eli died. We were still at the hospital, and many doctors were coming in Monday morning after a couple days away. One doctor ran to see us as we were leaving. He had just heard Eli had died and he was surprised. After everything Eli had been through, surprise seemed to be the common reaction among his medical team. Another doctor was walking into PICU as we were heading out for the last time. He saw us and for a moment his face crumbled. Then he hugged me. I can still see his face breaking in my head. And it comforts me.
So to the doctors, I'm not telling you how to function. Just know that it matters that it hurts you. In the end, it matters more that it hurts you than that there was nothing else you could do for that patient. Words are cheap. Honest human emotion says everything.