What to do for a family when a child dies

How to help someone who has lost a child

Pregnancy, infant, and child loss happens everyday. It happens to regular, unsuspecting people. And it's not going to stop.
I do believe that our job on this earth is to meet people in their suffering. Not make it better, not fix it. Just sit in the trenches, hold someone's hand, and witness their pain. Don't look away because it's uncomfortable.

The question is how do you provide support when you can't (and shouldn't try) to fix it?

I am in the unfortunate position to know and have written a list of dos/donts/ideas to a few people over the last several months. So here it is, more or less.
I'm posting this as a tribute to a little boy named Graham who died today.

This is from my perspective as a bereaved parent. A lot of it will apply to other very close losses. Keep in mind, what is comforting for one may be grating for another.


1. There are no magic words. You don't know what to say because there isn't anything to say that will communicate what you are feeling towards this person. That doesn't mean you shouldn't say anything. Recognize the loss. Say the deceased person's name. If you knew the person, say something you liked about them.
Example: "I was so sorry to hear about Eli. He is such a special little boy. I love when you would share pictures of him smiling. It always made me smile."

2. You can never make the bereaved person sadder or remind them of their loss by mentioning their child. They already know. It does not leave their heart or their brain for one second. They feel their loss all of the time. You bringing it up will let them know you haven't forgotten.

3. Set a reminder on your calendar every month on the anniversary of their person's death. Every month that date rolls around, send them a text or a message to say you're thinking about them, or praying for them, or you love them.

4. Food. This one is tricky. The immediate inclination when a person dies to cook meals for their family. That CAN be helpful. Or it can be overwhelming. For me, the idea of people stopping by my house was too much. Even over six months later I didn't feel up to having people in my home. It still felt intrusive. My home was my safe place. I know some people who in the face of losing their child wanted to do their own cooking because it felt like something they could control. So. Someone who is close to the bereaved person needs to find out what they are comfortable with. I had a small group of "safe" people who came over regularly to help me just sort through the boxes and boxes of stuff we had accumulated over seven months in the hospital. Those people brought me food, and they even became point people at times for others to drop off meals to be delivered to me.
Another option for food delivery with without intrusion is to put a cooler on someone's front porch and have food dropped off in the cooler at a certain time (ex. between 5-6pm). That way whether it's hot or cold and needing to be heated, it will stay the right temp in the cooler and the bereaved person can check the cooler after the appointed drop off time.
And if you've never tried it, takethemameal.com is great for organizing a meal schedule.

5. Offer specific help. They can't call you if they need anything because they have no idea what they need. And even if they did, they don't have the emotional energy to call.
Bring them toilet paper and paper towels. If they aren't expecting you, leave it on the doorstep.
Ask when garbage day is, then tell them you'd like to stop by each week to take the garbage out to the street. If they say okay, then actually do it.
Take care of their yard work.
Ask if you can do dishes/clean toilets/wash and fold laundry.
DONT DO THINGS THAT CANT BE UNDONE WITHOUT THEIR APPROVAL. Like laundry. You'd hate to be the one who washed the deceased person's smell off their clothes.
A gaggle of friends came and painted our house because we had moved in the middle of Eli's illness and I wanted our house to feel like a home. Such a gesture of big love.

6. Is there a sibling? Siblings get forgotten in child loss. Everyone is focused on the parent(s). If the sibling was already close to you before the loss, offer to take them to do something. Go bowling, go to an arcade, go out for donuts, anything. It's helpful for the whole family for the surviving sibling to receive some extra and focused attention on them. It takes a little pressure off the parent(s) and it helps the child(ren) have some moments to just be kids.
If you didn't have a relationship with the child before the loss, it is not entirely appropriate for you to start one in the midst of this tragedy. But you can buy a toy/game/activity for the living child and drop it off. Remembering and showing love to the living child is one of the best ways to care for the parents.

7.
Go to the funeral. I know it sucks. I wrote and gave my 4-year-old son's eulogy. Don't talk the person's ear off. Go. Be brief in your visiting. Go home. It can be helpful to share a memory about the deceased person because words are generally inefficient and awkward. Awkwardness is okay. Grieving people get used to being awkward.

8.
Learn the Ring Theory of care and support. It's one diagram and you'll never forget it once you read it. It's also applicable to every serious illness, tragedy, and death you interact with for the rest of your life.
http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

9.
Gifts. Gifts can be touchstones when there is nothing else to say. A friend got me a personalized necklace with Eli's name and birthstone and a sweet saying that I wore for months. Someone else had a star named for Eli. Another friend sent a window hanging with Forget-me-not flowers pressed inside. Someone else had Eli's name embroidered on a kid sized Georgia bulldogs jersey (Eli's fave). Another person made a quilt based on some art I had posted of Eli's online. A friend crocheted a blanket. A different friend sent me a necklace she saw that reminded her of my love for Eli. That same friend sent me a children's book she had been reading to her kids that made her think of Eli every time. I could go on and on. Eli had a huge effect on the world in his short life and people responded so lovingly to my family.
If it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to grieve a child.

My personal recommendations are:

-A personalized piece of jewelry with the child's name. Etsy has incredible choices, a lot in the $30-$40 range. (www.etsy.com)

-It important to a grieving mom that all of her children are recognized. Especially in the situation of a stillbirth, consider personalized jewelry with all of her children included. Etsy again has the best choices. (www.etsy.com)

-name a star after the child. It's a crazy time after your child dies. I liked looking at the constellation where my son's star is from my driveway. The star wasn't him, but he wasn't here and the star was a thing I could see.

-books are hard because when you're deep in grief concentration is nil. She may get to that book and she may not. It took me a couple months to be able to read a paragraph and know what I had read. Books aren't bad, they're just tricky.
Sometimes books are meant with love but the message in the pages can cause more pain, not peace. For example, I walked into lifeway christian store several months after Eli's death. I spent about an hour perusing books and do you know there was one single book in that whole store that didn't feel uncomfortable like an itchy sweater? That book is A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. Lewis writes the truth- that it hurts, that the shear weight of the loss is impenetrable by hope at times. Lewis is raw and lays it out there. It was like a balm because it was real. It wasn't another author trying to wash over my pain with platitudes. Platitudes are for people who are afraid of suffering, not people who are suffering. When I read words such as, "She could not mourn....She wished only to cease, to be no more, as if sunk in some profound sleep devoid of wakening" (-Tanith Lee) I don't feel worse or suicidal. I feel understood. I feel less alone.

-memorial gifts. Often a family will designate where they would like gifts given in lieu of flowers. Do this. Even if it's $5. The organization will send a letter to the family letting them know the gifts that were given and by who (unless it is given anonymously). This is a means of silent support. The family will know you care and be touched that others were helped because of their child.

-other memorial gifts. Plant a tree in the child's honor- either at the family's house and with their permission (and be prepared to go take care of it yourself until it's self sustaining because the family has zero ability to handle that. If you can't or won't take care of the tree don't plant it) or with an organization where a tree can be planted in a person's honor. Google it.
If there is a certain activity the child liked you can give in their memory through World Vision or other relief organizations. My parents buy soccer balls and a family of ducks for children and families in abject poverty through World Vision in Eli's memory every year because he loved playing soccer and he loved feeding the ducks. Generally when you give in someone's honor or memory you are emailed a card to print out and give to the person or family.

10.
An open ended weekend getaway. If you have connections or means it can be nice to gift the bereaved parents a weekend stay at a hotel or bed and breakfast. If you are planning on doing this I would mention it to the family and let them know you will follow up with them in a few weeks. And then maybe a month or so after the funeral mention it again and ask them if they're open to it and if so to give you a couple weekends that would work for 1-2 months out. Losing a child takes an enormous toll on a marriage. We are over 18 months out and still spinning our wheels and trying to love each other well and failing hard (much harder than we ever used to with much more regularity). Men and women, mothers and fathers just grieve differently. It can feel like banging your head against the wall. Some time away won't solve everything, but it will be a nice reprieve.

11.
Just say the child's name. Any chance you get, use the child's name in a sentence to the parents. I remember crying to a friend and asking her to promise me she'll always talk about Eli and say his name to me. I didn't want people to stop saying his name. But they do, and that's life. As time goes on people say less and less about the child, much less their name. It is a gift to hear someone use Eli's name.


This is a work in progress. Some of these I wrote a year ago and some I wrote tonight. I suspect there may be more that I add over time.