Aaron Burr

I don't know if you've ever heard of this musical called Hamilton about some of the U.S. founding fathers, but I quite enjoy the soundtrack. And because music is so very loaded for me, the Hamilton soundtrack is one that I can mostly enjoy without too many intense feelings. I mean, there is the whole part where Hamilton's son dies and they sing about it and I wish a train would hit me (sarcasm!), but mostly I stick to the first 3/4 of the musical. ;-) Music that I can enjoy is so sparse still that I listen to Hamilton at least five days a week. I still can't quite rap along with Lafayette, but I'm working on it.
Almost none of the characters are legit "good guys". Alexander Hamilton sends out all kinds of red flags for narcissism. And the antagonist Aaron Burr who shoots Hamilton in a duel is altogether unlikable.
Except I totally get Aaron Burr. Lin-Manuel Miranda said that if Hamilton's reaction to loss and tragedy is to go go go full speed ahead, Burr's reaction is to wait. Burr sings this song called "Wait For It" where he reflects on the loss of his parents, the pain of not really being wanted by any of his relatives throughout his childhood, his unlawful love affair with a woman married to a British officer, and he says if there was a reason for these things to happen to him, he's willing to wait to figure it out. Where Hamilton ignores the pieces of the puzzle and accelerates forward, Burr sits back and ponders the pieces of the puzzle, turns them over, reexamines them, considers them.
I get it. I feel frozen in place most of the time. What do I do now? I have no idea. I do things. I try things. But I have no idea what I'm doing. My sense of purpose has been highly modified and what do I do with that? I have yet to figure it out.
I had a meeting with the president of the local children's hospital last week. He met with me for two hours. I shared Eli's story with him. We talked about the future of healthcare for kids like Eli. It was challenging, but felt good to use the science and medical knowledge that is still floating around in my brain. He gave me so much to think about. It was a remarkable meeting.
But what do I do? I come home and I think. And I ponder. And I consider. And I think some more. I Wait For It.
I'm doing things. I'm working. I'm running. I'm raising more money for houses for Haiti. But I'm still mostly bobbing in an ocean of uncertainty with no land in sight.
Aaron Burr wasn't a great dude. He was political to a fault- I don't mean he was passionate, I mean he was a supreme manipulator. But I get LMM's version of Burr. He says, "I'm not falling behind or running late/I'm not standing still I am lying in wait"
Me too.