One of the things I've discussed with my grief counselor is the discomfort I have when I interact with someone new who doesn't know about Eli. I struggle with the appropriateness of introducing myself, "Hi, I'm Lisa and my son died." I would feel better if I did that; it would take some of this invisible pressure off me, but it's not exactly appropriate. My grief counselor told me that it's common for kids who lose someone to walk into a room full of people and announce, "My mom died!" and run out. Then a few minutes later they can go back in and it's no big deal. To them. To the people? Well, they don't know what to do because death is so awkward in our society. Anyway, I get these kids. I would like permission to be them. ;)
One of the (many many many) difficult aspects of Eli's death, was there were all these kids who knew Eli and were praying for him. Then he died. As a parent, how do you explain something you can't understand, something that is going to break your child's heart? I'm sorry to all of the parents who had to do that when Eli died. When our buddy Bryant died last November, I couldn't bring myself to tell Eli. He was 3 1/2, how was he going to understand that his friend, who we had played with and prayed for, died? I did tell him several days later that Bryant went to live in heaven with Jesus. Eli asked me several different times about Bryant and I always said the same thing- that he didn't live here anymore, that he lived in heaven with Jesus now. I have no idea what Eli even made of that. I should have done better, but I was heartbroken and scared. Eli probably gets it now. ;)
I'm not sorry that so many kids had to face the hard reality that God doesn't always grant us what we want, or had to experience loss so early in life. In fact, I think as hard as it is to help them navigate it, it's good for them. Life is full of loss. Feeling all those feelings now will help them the next time tragedy comes to visit. Because it always does. It's almost like strengthening a muscle. If they never experience loss or are always shielded from it, what happens when someday they can't be protected anymore? They have no experience to help them wade through.
Beyond just experiencing loss, kids can be so pure and compassionate in their pain.
A friend of mine had to put her dog down recently. She and her family, especially her daughter, have been so loving to my family, despite having never met Eli. When their dog became sick and was suffering, they were heartbroken to have to say goodbye, even though it was the right thing to do for him. Her daughter told their dog that Eli would be waiting for him and would take care of him and she showed her dog pictures of Eli. The sweetness and the love and the faith of that just overwhelms me. I am humbled that this little girl would love and trust Eli enough to take care of her dog in heaven for her.
Another little person has touched me deeply. My friend's niece had a heart transplant some time ago. Through the magic of technology and social media, I followed along her journey and prayed for her while she waited and held my breath when her family announced a heart was on the way. The fragility of life and the unfairness of it all- the donor family, the recipient's family, will affect you deeply. This little girl's mom (my friend's sister in law), then followed Eli's story through social media. When I shared recently that I was struggling with nightmares, I guess this little girl's mom shared that with her daughter. Her little girl was also struggling with bad dreams (it's unfortunately part of life for most medical kids and their parents). When this sweet girl goes to bed she says a special prayer to not have bad dreams. And she started including me in her nightly prayer. The kindness and love that she shares by praying for me not to have bad dreams is almost more than I can take. I don't even know how prayer works and I can't do it right now, but this little one offers what she has wholeheartedly- prayers for sleep free from bad dreams.
Kids are capable of understanding so much more and loving so much more than we ever consider. I have been loved so well by two precious girls who live states away from me. They have made me cry big, fat, grateful, unworthy, healing tears. So many other kids have made me cards or pictures, have prayed for me and my family, have talked about Eli. The kids know what they're doing, if we just let them lead and tell us their truth.
No comments:
Post a Comment