Scarcity

One of my deepest held tenets is that I believe in abundance, not scarcity. I really do believe there is enough to go around. When I operate in scarcity there is never enough. Not enough for me alone, much less anyone else. When I operate in abundance, there is always enough. So I make it a point to turn back to abundance anytime I find myself off track.

I had an experience a number of weeks back that challenged that tenet, but in the end I think abundance served me well. Jerry heard me talking to my mom about having some kind of memorial jewelry made with a little bit of Eli's ashes. He thought I was offering for her to have some ashes for a piece of memorial jewelry for herself. So then he mentioned to his mom that she could have some ashes too. When he later told me this, my immediate reaction was scarcity. Crap! No! I'm not just giving my kid's ashes out! I was going to take just a little bit for me and leave the rest.

But when I thought about it in terms of abundance, it went a little different. Eli is dead. Nothing is going to change that. We're just going to bury his ashes, and then they'll be completely inaccessible. What happens if I give some ashes to the grandmas? What harm could come with that? And you know, I couldn't think of anything. These are women who love Eli fiercely. They were with him for a good bit of the bad times, too. And plenty of the good times. If some ashes bring them comfort or help them feel closer to Eli, then so be it. There's no reason for me to keep the ashes locked away. That would be of use to absolutely no one.

Everyone hasn't gotten their ashes yet. It's a tough decision, picking out memorial jewelry. But Eli's ashes are in my closet, ready to go. My hand is open. And while Eli's death is as shitty as ever, he's still teaching me.