One of the things that has been bothering me since Eli got sick is the lack of scripture pertaining to watching your child suffer (and death being a possible scenario). I hear a lot from Christians about taking joy in suffering. Paul (of the bible. Author of a lot if the New Testament) talked a lot about having joy in all circumstances, taking joy in suffering, suffering for his faith, guaranteeing trouble in this life, and on and on. But people that talk about joy in all circumstances (including Paul), I don't think watched their child suffer from a life threatening illness. Or laid in a hospital bed, holding their child's listless body while a team of people wheeled the bed to the PICU while others were administering drugs on the way. There's not a lot of joy there. Mostly fear.
To me there are two applicable stories in the bible about losing a child. The first is where Jesus heals Jairus' daughter. Jairus sought out Jesus because his daughter was so sick, near death, and he appeared to think Jesus was his only hope at that point. By the time Jesus gets to Jairus' house, the girl is dead. But Jesus says she's not dead, she's sleeping. He tells her to get up and she does. It's a miracle. I'll get to the second story about losing a child in a minute.
My issue with the story of Jairus is that there's no guarantee that if I just ask Jesus to heal my son, he'll do it. And I know this because I'm not the only parent with a sick kid who could die. There are TONS of parents begging Jesus to heal their child and let them live (here. On earth. Not heal them in death or in heaven, but nice argument.). I know some of these parents. They are some of the best people I know. However, it's not my favorite club to be in. And let me just say that I cannot believe or trust a God who would perform a miracle because someone believed enough, had enough faith. My faith IS shaky right now. But I don't think that's why God hasn't swooped down and miraculously healed Eli yet. (And if I do lose my son and you think it's because I didn't believe or trust enough, please come to my house so I can personally punch you. No, I mean it.)
Here's what I mused about today. God gives us gifts with an open hand. When we hold those gifts with an open hand both us and others are blessed by it. It's not diminished. When your kid gets a life threatening diagnosis the knee jerk reaction is to grasp more tightly, more desperately to them, so as not to let them go (as if you have any control). But what if I am to hold my children, as a gift, with an open hand? Will that change the outcome here on Earth? Nah, I doubt it. It might change me. (Not that I particularly want to change, I really just want Eli to be healthy again and life to go back to normal. Regardless of what happens, healed in life or healed in death, I don't think I get to go back to "normal". Dammitsomuch.)
Okay, so here's the other part of scripture about losing a child, connected through an experience of mine. I have a friend who lost her teenage daughter very suddenly a couple years ago. It was even more terrible and heartbreaking for my friend than you are thinking. At some point in the months following her daughter's death, I remember praying and weeping and begging God to relieve some of my friend's complete and total shattered heart. I remember telling God that it wasn't okay and no one should have to feel what my friend was feeling. That I could hardly breathe thinking about it, and I wasn't the one who had lost a child. That it was too much, and who was He anyway? And you can doubt me or dismiss me, but in my weeping and begging God told me He lost his son, too. He knows what it's like to lose a child because he lost his son, too. (Even in my shaky faith that's kind of a profound statement that still causes me to step back. So take it in for a minute.)...........Sure, in the last few months I've questioned God on that because he knew from the beginning what was going to happen, and his son DID ascend to be with him....but I can't argue too much with the fact that God did watch his son suffer and die.
So where does that leave me? I don't know, man. I'm not going to stop praying for my son to be healed (miraculously, or through medicine, or miraculously through medicine), even if I'm unsure about the receiver of my prayers. Maybe I could try holding him slightly less desperately in my heart with more of an open hand for receiving and giving....although that sounds like a joke because have you met any mothers? We specialize in desperate love. And "Here Lord, I trust you enough to take my son if that is your will" makes me ragey and want to puke.
So I have no way to tie this all up with a bow, nor do I really care. It's just some of the better thoughts I've had in the last few days. Go forth and kiss your loved ones.
Lisa, I appreciate your honesty. I relate to every word. To rejoice in own suffering seems like a spiritual goal to possibly attain but to rejoice in the suffering of my child seems cruel. I cannot say that I can do that but I do pray everyday that I will not waste this trial. That the Lord would give me strength to lift my head to see opportunities around me to glorify him. I don't understand God's plan for Graham but I do know we couldn't endure any of this without His nearness.
ReplyDeleteLisa, it is healthy and normal to be having these doubts and to in your “being a Mother” hold on desperately to your beloved Eli. It is great you can face this time of suffering with honesty and have these “better thoughts”. How wonderful to share them with those of us who love you and your family and especially little Eli!
ReplyDeleteSuffering and the struggle with the goodness of God remain perhaps the greatest challenge to any person who takes faith, truth, and life seriously. As a mother I can never forget the pain and despair of holding my 4 year old son as he struggled to breathe, surrounded by doctors and nurses who though they seemed to be doing everything medically right and powerful for little David, I knew in my heart and deep within my soul it was not enough. Holding on desperately? Of course, any mother does. I prayed with all that was in me. It was a long journey and it came out to David’s benefit, and therefore mine. I went through an even scarier time in his teens when he no longer wanted to be on this earth because of his own suffering and 3 times God rescued him from death. So when I struggle with these issues you are facing I hold onto the words of my now 40 year old son that no matter what pain and suffering he experienced along the way if he had not he would not be the person he is this day or this point in his life.
But that does not erase the fear, doubt and questioning of my younger days as a mother knowing I was all but helpless to change the illness, pain, suffering my son was experiencing. I retain the cracks embedded in my heart where it kept breaking at his suffering and pain. Healed yes, but still cracked.
C.S. Lewis wrote about being surprised my Joy…it helped me. There are others whose words and prayers and just being there helped, but ultimately is was just going onward one minute at a time, praying, loving and holding on tight to that dear child of mine. I was blessed my beloved son survived and is who he is today, but it could have been otherwise and along the way friends lost their sons, one friend lost both of hers [one 18 and one 14] and there is no understanding the why of which ones live and which ones die…at least not in my mind.
What I pray for you is that in the midst of this terrible time and helplessness that you will receive the peace that only the Lord can provide in the midst of the pain you are experiencing. For the only answer I can decipher is that God promises to be there with us always. He doesn’t promise us rose gardens and lives without sorrow or pain or suffering, nor does he promise to protect or rescue us from all harm. He does promise he will always love us, be with us and never forsake us, he does offer peace that is beyond all understanding.
While I have no real answers for you, you might think of me as a parched wanderer in the desert of suffering who has found an oasis, whose water here is living water. I pray you are able to find your own oasis and drink that living water!
God bless you always!! Prayers abound and thoughts surround! Love “Grams”