Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Death penalty drugs break my PTSD heart

The death penalty exists in 31 states. In all 31 states lethal injection is the method used. However, there has been much debate on the drugs used over the last few years, at least if you read the headlines.
The concern has been that certain drugs cause pain that could be categorized as "cruel and unusual punishment" and certain drugs in combination have not been studied. I'm sure you are already forming an opinion on whether or not a person sentenced to death should undergo cruel or unusual punishment. I'm not here for that today. What I am here for is the drugs that make the headlines, namely fentanyl.
Do all of the talking heads have a real understanding of this drug, or do they just know the talking points they are fed by producers? Fentanyl has been in the news as the opioid crisis has exploded because it is an opioid generally used in hospital settings to control pain. I know because Eli was on fentanyl.
He had a pain pump attached to his IV when he was in the pediatric bone marrow transplant unit, but I honestly don't remember what drug he was getting. When he was in PICU he had fentanyl a lot of the time, especially as his health roller coastered and he was intubated and kept sedated three different times over three months. Adjusting his fentanyl dose so he was getting relief but was not overly drugged was a daily conversation at times. We worked on weaning down the fentanyl a number of times. Fentanyl is not a perfect drug. As an opioid it is powerful, especially initially, but has real side effects. It can be hard to tell when your child is hooked up to multiple machines and is sedated, or is awake and can't even sit up unassisted, but they are there.
I want you to know that fentanyl was a good and useful tool when my child was suffering. I want you to know that his doctors and nurses took this drug deadly seriously and did not want him to have one milliliter more than he needed. I want you to know that when it became clear there was nothing else that could be done for him medically and he was slipping away, I looked at the doctor dead in the eye and told him that Eli was done suffering and I wanted there to be no doubt that he was out of pain. The doctor nodded and told the nurse to increase Eli's fentanyl dose by 50%. That is not a dosage change any doctor would ever make. I only asked for more because I knew we were always tiptoeing the line between just enough fentanyl to give Eli relief and too much. The doctor granted this much because we all understood the remainder of Eli's life would be measured in tens of minutes, not hours or days. He was intubated and sedated so it would not interfere with any interactions we might have at the end. That part was already done. This drug is something I utilized as a mother to help my son. I wasn't afraid of it. I had asked questions along the way. I respected the seriousness of it and the concern for drug dependence until the moment that drug dependence no longer mattered. The fentanyl gave me peace that Eli could have peace, despite his dropping oxygen level, and then blood pressure, and finally heartbeat.
So I don't have any solutions to the opioid epidemic or the issues facing states attempting to acquire drugs for lethal injections. I only have this: this drug that is so abhorred and politicized by people who have no experience with it was a precious gift when my son was suffering and dying. Seeing it in headlines and having "experts" discuss it hurts my heart and awakens my PTSD. It puts me right back in that dark room full of machines with the doctor telling me there was no other support they could give Eli. In the end, the use of it gave me peace about my four year old son's death experience.

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