Healing and not healing and being on fire

Is God in the healing business? People say this, but I'm just not sure. I don't know if you can watch the number of kids I have watched suffer and die and still believe that declaring healing in the name of Jesus is a real thing that has any bearing on reality at all. Maybe you can. I cannot. 

Praying seems a lot like wishing. Wishes aren't in the habit of coming true. 

I think rather than the business of healing, God might be in the business of loving. I'm not completely sold on this either, but it certainly seems more likely. I saw a quote from Bob Goff today that said, "sometimes instead of an answer God sends us a friend." That's a pretty accurate version of the life I got. I will give Bob the benefit of the doubt since he said sometimes. Some people get both-the answer and the friend. Some people probably get neither. That's freaking terrible. 

I told a friend today who also has a dead kid that this is the absolute worst club in the whole entire world, made up of the best people in the whole entire world. It's hard to live in a world where such deep, deep sorrow and such utter beauty coexist. It feels like calmly watching the most breathtaking sunset while being on fire. How is everyone walking around like business as usual? And how am I supposed to? I mean, the sunset was truly beautiful, but I am on fire here. How am I even still alive? And will I never not be on fire or will this consume me? 

Please refrain from telling me I will not be consumed on the basis that you'd rather I not be. It could go either way at this point. I just doubled the amount of counseling I'm receiving on my counselor's observation that the current schedule is not cutting the mustard. History is chock full of people who were ultimately consumed by their loss. Mary Todd Lincoln and Horatio Spafford (yep, the guy that wrote "It Is Well With My Soul") for starters. (Spafford wrote It Is Well while he was in shock. Shock comes first and says, "It Will Be Okay! We will survive this! It's not so bad." Grief comes later, takes up residence, and says, "Um no, it's bad. It Will Definitely Not Be Okay. You Are Not Okay. You Will Not Be Okay." And then you just walk around on fire. Spafford's shining moment did not last and he went a little crazy later. This should probably be an entirely separate post.) 

If you are a person who needs healing in some way I truly hope you are met with healing. Be it science, or a miracle, or a miracle of science. Any are entirely possible. But if you don't experience the healing you are looking for, I hope you have or are given a friend. It helps with the being on fire.