Women's conference

This is a difficult story for me to communicate well because it is deeply troubling and emotional. 

Shortly after Eli died, within 2 months, I went to a women's conference taking place in my city. Several of my friends were going and had gone in the past. Some of these women had been mentors to me in the past half dozen years. They spoke highly of this conference and how much truth they always found there and how it was always a powerful spiritual experience. I was trying so hard to find "normalcy" after being separated from my family and community and support system and everything familiar to watch my kid suffer and die over seven months. So I went to the conference.
There was a well known male christian author and speaker as the keynote speaker. This was not exciting to me at a women's conference, because why was a dude there? I would have preferred to hear from a woman. But I figured the folks that put the conference on who are well respected knew something I didn't or just felt like this guy was the right fit. Fine, no biggie, I can get over myself (sometimes).
One evening of the conference this man was giving a talk and I was taking notes here and there. My perspective was he was dancing a little too close to the prosperity gospel, but again, I was with people I trusted. He never went full prosperity gospel so I pressed on in giving the whole thing a chance. Then he said something that made me freeze. My breath caught, my body froze, and a chill went down my spine. He said God only takes something away when He has something greater for us.
What? Hundreds of thousands of people had just prayed for my sick baby to be healed and God did not answer our pleadings. My baby died. Are you saying God took away my baby so that He could give me something more?
There are so very many reasons this is a crock of shit, I could fill an encyclopedia with them. Here are just a few: this is not in the bible; in what we know of the nature of God, God doesn't seem terribly linear, but this is a completely linear statement; what exactly is it that is so much greater that God will grant me now that I have buried my child? What has God granted other bereaved parents that is so much better than our kid we used to have?; and on and on. One thing that happens nearly across the board for bereaved parents is we use child loss as a sieve to sort out truth. If something is really true, it will be true in my situation of having a dead kid. If it doesn't stand up to child loss it's just not true. Spoiler: the vast majority of things people say and believe cannot be true.
Back to the conference. I didn't storm out, I didn't have a panic attack, I didn't stand up and start screaming at the guy. I waited until the end of his talk, which closed out the evening, and approached him. I wanted to give him a chance to explain himself. I wanted to hold up his statement to child loss and I wanted him to say, "No, that's not what I was saying. You misunderstood. It's like this...." I really, really wanted him to say that. I half expected he would.
I waited for several other women to speak with him and then he looked at me and I started crying. (I hate crying in front of people. I hated that I was crying, but I could do nothing about it.) I told him that my 4-year-old son had been very sick and in the hospital and had suffered greatly and ultimately died, and that what he said, that God only takes things away when God has something greater to give, doesn't add up for me. I hope you are picturing me FOR ONCE not being self-righteous, not being sassy, but being open and honest, asking instead of trying to prove something, laying it all out. Because this famous christian speaker/author looked at me in the face and said, "Perhaps God has another son out there for you, a son who doesn't have a family." It immediately became clear to me that he had no idea what he was talking about. None. Because I replied, "Oh, well, I already have a son who came to me that way, but thanks anyway." And I left.
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. One child does not, will not, cannot replace another. Ever. What does it say about God if you believe that God took my son away so I'd adopt a child? If you think that, please don't adopt. Ever. Children who are adopted do not need that type of love and care. They need true, unconditional love. Also, if you are one that thinks that God lets kids die so their parent will adopt a "less fortunate" child, you should stop talking to people, especially with a microphone in front of your face, and also stop writing books. That is not a god that anyone wants to know or believe in. Who the hell says that to a person who is baring their soul about their dead child? What is wrong with that person?
I did not go to any other sessions this man was at, but I did go to the closing session, where a well known and respected woman who had basically developed the conference was speaking. She said she felt the Lord moving in her to address some things, but the cynic in me says she had to do some cleaning up after the keynote crapped out of his mouth. She started off by going off topic and talking about suffering and how God doesn't cause our suffering, and God doesn't give us suffering in order to teach us. That's not how it works. And I appreciated the hell out of her for saying that. She said some other things that seemed true enough and stood up to the sieve of child loss.
So that's my story. I'm not going back next year.

Some notes:
-In hindsight, that was bad timing to go to a women's conference. Two months is nothing. But my life was so weird after coming home, I could hardly feel gravity for awhile.
-I still love and treasure the women I went to the conference with. Just because it turned out bad for me doesn't mean they had anything to do with it.
-I push back against using the pronoun "he" in talking about God. God is neither male nor female, but using He gives us a picture of a wise grandpa or some such character, which is not God. I try to only use the word god for God when speaking for myself, and it can be repetitive. Sorry not sorry. I generally only use "He" when that is what someone else has said.