Mom Guilt

For the past 3 weeks I've been in poker dealer school. It's 4 hours a day for 6 weeks, so not super intensive, except for the parts of my brain that do things like math. I'm actually really enjoying it. Except for the part where I'm away from my kids for 6 hours a day. 

Namely, this kid:

The big one I still get to drop off and pick up from school everyday, so I just miss him like I always do when he goes to school. But I'm not used to being away from my littlest little. It's not ALL bad, but it's not great.

Basically, all the time that I had to do things with him is gone. Now as soon as I get home, I throw little man in the carseat, we go pick up big brother, go home and have dinner, and then brother has some sort of evening event- basketball game, practice, or church stuff, always lasting well after E's bedtime. Sometimes I can get a grandparent or babysitter to put E to bed and sit at the house until I get home, but sometimes little man is just up until 9. When I have someone else put E to bed I feel even more guilty about not being there. Even with my "1 sport rule" I still feel like we're constantly on the move. (1 sport rule is just that- my kid will participate in exactly one sport at a time. He's got church stuff and from time to time we have family therapy, so I'm not carting him to extra practices and games every night of the week. I LOVE team sports for him, he loves team sports, I just don't believe in overprogramming my 12 year old.)

I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I know I have it so good. It's just been so different these past few weeks, that the Mommy Guilt has been relentless. 

Ty and I usually get some time together at least a few days a week after E goes to bed. But E? He gets almost no time right now. He's not happy about it and neither am I. (He's so unhappy that he's been up frequently every night and the solution is mommy's bed. But that's a different post entirely....)

So after telling the Mommy Guilt to take a hike, I carved out some time to just hang out with my kids and let them do their thing. These days, their thing is playing outside. E runs around with a flat basketball and occasionally throws it at me. We watch the airplanes that take off and land from the small airport nearby. Ty plays with the neighbor kids in the circle. I sit on the curb, breathe fresh air, and take it all in- instead of standing in my kitchen cooking dinner. It's really rather glorious. 

I have been feeding my kids dinner, I've just been simplifying it. They're totally willing to eat things like sandwiches for dinner if it means they get to play outside for an hour. 

Didn't quite make it!